FILM - Friday the 13th (2009)

Friday the 13th

USA - 2009

Directed by - Marcus Nispel

Starring - Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle

Color - 97 Mins - Rated R for strong bloody violence, some graphic sexual content, nudity, language and drug material

Michael Bay's production company continues to pump out these remakes of classic horror movies at an efficient assembly line speed. In 2003 we had a wholly inferior remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Two years later we were tortured by an abysmal recreation of The Amityville Horror. 2007 saw an updated version of The Hitcher hit the big screens - generally awful despite a shining performance from Sean Bean as the sadistic villain. In between all that we had a prequel to Texas Chainsaw, dubbed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning - perhaps the worst big budget horror film I've ever laid eyes on. And next year, Bay's company will churn out a modern version of A Nightmare on Elm Street, the first Freddy movie without horror icon Robert Englund as the nightmare inducing killer. Not sure what the masses think of this, but after watching the trailer, I'm not very optimistic.

All this is to say that the track record didn't exactly bode well for the reimagining of Friday the 13th. Yet despite the odds being firmly stacked against it, this film is surprisingly watchable. In fact, on a technical level it might actually be a better movie than the original Friday the 13th (although the original has this one trumped when it comes to actually being scary and having something of a social statement to make). That's not to say this is anywhere near a great movie, but if its goal was to recreate a Jason Voorhees movie that speaks to a young new millennium audience, I suppose Michael Bay and director Marcus Nispel (the former music video director who helmed 2003's Texas Chainsaw Massacre, also the latest name attached to the remake of Conan the Barbarian) have succeeded.

The film plays out much like a 'greatest hits' of the first four Friday films from the 80's. For instance, many of the death scenes seem to have been cherry-picked from those originals - you'll see the various party-hungry college kids killed off with an arrow to the eye (similar to the spear gun in Part III - one of my favorite Jason kills ever), a machete to the head (much like Ted in Part IV), or by taking a screwdriver in the jugular (again Part IV, that hitchhiker who takes one in the neck). Diehard fans may be disappointed that the Pamela Voorhees plot has been condensed into a short introductory scene, but that blow is somewhat softened by Jason dropping his paper bag disguise in favor of the iconic hockey mask in record time (something that took almost three whole movies to materialize back in the 80's). There are many more acknowledgements to the original series for fans to pick up on - Steve Jablonsky's score, while very dark and industrial-tinged, actually incorporates a few cues from Harry Manfredini's score to the original Friday the 13th, so you'll at least get to hear an occasional "chi-chi-chi-cha-cha-cha" whilst Jason hides in the foliage waiting to spring out on an unsuspecting victim.

The story is about what you'd expect from a slasher-in-the-woods type of movie: you have a group of pot smoking and sex starved teens on a weekend getaway at *cue dramatic music* Camp Crystal Lake. At the same time, we're introduced to Clay (Jared Padalecki), who is searching for his missing sister, Whitney (Amanda Righetti), who went camping around the lake six weeks ago and hasn't been heard from since. Clay is pretty much the only likeable character in the whole movie. The other campers are made out to be obnoxious or annoying or downright assholish, so that their inevitable death scenes are more of a comeuppance than anything to be fearful of. A great number of slasher films would rather play to the black comedy genre rather than flat-out horror, so I don't really have a problem with this. If you're looking for something genuinely scary though, stay far away from Friday the 13th (any of them, not just this remake).

But what of the masked man himself? Jason has yet to become the hulking undead super-zombie in this film, so a leaner, more athletic performer was required. That performer is Derek Mears, the latest in a line of stuntmen-actors to portray Jason Voorhees on the big screen. Although Jason is still a terribly deformed and mentally unstable person, he seems to have a modicum of intelligence about him, at the very least a primal survival instinct. Several scenes suggest that Jason has survived all these years by living off the land. He knows how to build deathly traps. He now stalks his victims with a bit more guile and cunning as opposed to just mindlessly chasing them (although the film is still guilty of at least one Jason 'magic teleport' kill towards the end, unfortunately). At one point he even wounds one of the dopey kids and leaves him out as bait to draw the others to him. There's definitely some First Blood influence in this movie, and perhaps just a hint of Jack Ketchum's Cover, especially in regards to the underdeveloped sub-plot of farmers growing a marijuana crop in the woods.

Where 2009's Friday the 13th fails slightly is in the humor department. If you'll pardon the pun, these films have always had a slightly campy air about them, and there's usually one or two comic relief characters capable of eliciting a few chuckles. The attempted humor in this film seems to focus on Lawrence (Arlen Escarpeta), a young black guy who goes out of his way to NOT be the 'stereotypical black guy' in a horror movie, but fails miserably. It's very much like the self-referential humor in a Scream movie, although I was under the impression screenwriters Damian Shannon and Mark Swift were desperately trying to avoid those tropes. The only true laugh-out-loud moments in Friday are had whenever Trent (Travis Van Winkle) utters one of his atrocious one-liners. The character turns what could have been a tantalizing sex scene into a parody by saying: "Your tits... are stupendous!" about halfway through. Yeah. It only gets worse from there...

The film pays homage to the original by throwing in a surprise jump scare at the tail end, but it just doesn't have the same kind of shock value to be as shit-your-pants scary as Jason leaping out of the lake was back in 1980. It does, however, set up a sequel. Given the gross revenue this movie has raked in during its theatrical run and on DVD, we're definitely going to see a second Friday before too long, though I believe the introduction of a Tommy Jarvis character is essential if this new series is to warrant any sustained interest from its audience.

If you're a fan of Jason or the slasher genre in general, Friday the 13th might be worth a shot, so long as you go in with the right frame of mind. Expect some decent popcorn entertainment, nothing more.

SCORE: 3 / 5

FILM - White Zombie (1932)

White Zombie

USA - 1932

Directed by - Victor Halperin

Starring - Bela Lugosi, Madge Bellamy, Joseph Cawthorn, Robert Frazer

B&W - 69 Min. - Unrated

Difficult film to review, White Zombie. It occupies a strange, purgatory-like middle ground: it deserves its status as a 'classic', and it's certainly essential viewing for any would-be horror buffs, and yet... White Zombie is not all that scary, nor is it a truly outstanding movie, even for its time. It runs the gamut in terms of performances, from Bela Lugosi's outstanding turn as the villainous "Murder" Legendre to the breathtakingly awful hero of the day played by John Harron. Even the direction is inconsistent; going through its paces in a very pedestrian manner in certain scenes while at other times turning into a wonderfully weird homage to German Expressionist films (rumors persist that director Victor Halperin quit this film before completion, which resulted in Bela Lugosi himself directing a chunk of the movie, although which parts were directed by whom we may never know...).

The story concerns a young couple in Haiti, Neil (John Harron) and Madeleine (Madge Bellamy), who wish to be married. Their friend Mr. Beaumont (Robert Frazer) invites them to his plantation for the ceremony. However, the scheming Beaumont actually wants Madeleine for himself, and is willing to sink to any level to get her. He turns to the local Voodoo shaman, "Murder" Legendre (Bela Lugosi), who cooks up a twisted plot to place Madeleine in Beaumont's thrall - they will fake her demise by turning her into a zombie, wait for the bereaved Neil to leave, then revive Madeleine so Beaumont can work his charms on her. Beaumont fails to realize that he's dealing with Bela F'N Lugosi though, who quickly renegs on their dark deal. Legendre has his own sinister plans for the lovely Madeleine...

Filmed shortly after his major breakthrough performance in Dracula (and not long before he became typecast in these sort of movies and was relegated to Hollywood has-been status), Bela Lugosi was at the top of his game during the filming of this picture (which he did for a whopping $800). In fact, some claim Lugosi's portrayal of Legendre is even better than his turn as the Count. Personally, I'm not part of that crowd, but I can see where those fans are coming from (For what it's worth, I reckon this is Bela's third-best performance, just behind Dracula and his role as Ygor in Son of Frankenstein.). Lugosi certainly looks like a devil of a man in White Zombie, playing to his strengths (his thick accent, the piercing eyes that could bore a hole in a man's skull) while also playing up Legendre's grotesqueness - notice his claw-like hands as he tries to clutch a glass of wine, or his slow, menacing gait whenever he walks. They don't make bad guys like this anymore.

The remainder of the cast is a mixed bag, to say the least. The most notorious is John Harron, who is surely one of the least appealing heroic male love interests in the history of cinema - how Madge Bellamy's character fell in love with the dipshit Neil is beyond me. To be fair to Harron, who sadly died young before the end of the 30's after he came down with meningitis, the bulk of his film career was in silent pictures. He seemed to be one of the many silent era actors who never got the hang of the talkies. Robert Frazer is another cast member who goes a bit over the top in terms of performance, although this embellishment can be somewhat forgiven for a semi-villainous character such as Beaumont. Madge Bellamy has little relevant dialogue; she is used mostly as eye candy instead (although I think her china doll look went out of style in the 20's). Yes, White Zombie has the expected amount of sexism on display for a 1930's film, so contemporary viewers should keep that in mind.

Things liven up when Dr. Bruner (Joseph Cawthorn) comes into the picture, the knowledgeable missionary who does the brunt of the thinking whilst Neil frets and gets drunk (unconvincingly). Clarence Muse has a small role as Neil and Madeleine's carriage driver at the beginning of the film, and with just a few well-placed lines of dialogue turns in the second-best performance of the film behind Lugosi. Frederick Peters has a silent role as one of Legendre's zombie bodyguards, revealed to viewers for the first time with a slow foot-to-head pan that will startle the unexpected. Even without gobs of makeup on, Peters is still ten times scarier than any modern-day 'rotten flesh' zombie, and he does it all by simply screwing up his eyes and failing to groom his bushy werewolf facial hair.

A word on the zombies of this film, then. White Zombie is usually regarded as the first-ever zombie movie, although there is some debate on this subject. I think we can agree that it is the oldest surviving zombie movie, at any rate. However, these zombies have little in common with the mindless cannibals as seen in modern horror movies. Instead, these zombies tie in closely with their Afro-Caribbean origins - they are unfeeling, unemotional mutes under the spell of a sorcerer who will use them as slave labor. One of White Zombie's most enduring images is the scene inside Legendre's sugar mill showing his mindless charges toiling away, their physical bodies breaking down under the constant strain of backbreaking labor but their minds untouched by the torture.

Some of the techniques utilized in White Zombie were certainly ahead of their time. Wipes and dissolves are painfully simple to do nowadays, any chucklehead with a Youtube account can do them, but in '32 it must have been a headache and a half to insert them into the film. White Zombie even features a wipe into a split-screen at one point - probably not very impressive if you've ever watched an episode of 24, where you can regularly view ten different split-screens at once, but it's truly remarkable to see the technique used in a film from this era, especially an independent feature with a smaller budget than a studio-backed effort.

Also of note are the elaborate sets, skillfully decorated with a grim, gothic sense of style. The set decoration, along with the noticable, yet well-crafted, painted backdrops adds to the atmosphere of the film. At least part of the budget went into the cost of the sets, which were reportedly rented from Universal Studios for a hefty fee.

Newcomers to the classic age of horror films may find White Zombie hard to watch. It has a much more leisurely pace than many of the other 'essential' films of the era (30's classics such as The Mummy, Murders in the Rue Morgue, or the aforementioned Bride of Frankenstein and Dracula), which is saying something for a film that doesn't even break the 70 minute mark. One may wish to view White Zombie as a silent film with additional bonus dialogue instead of trying to follow along with the sometimes jarring deliveries from certain members of the cast. Simply observing the actors' physical performances may well improve your overall appreciation of the picture.

SCORE: 3 / 5

FILM - Punisher: War Zone (2008)

Punisher: War Zone

USA/Canada/Germany - 2008

Directed by - Lexi Alexander

Starring - Ray Stevenson, Dominic West, Doug Hutchison, Colin Salmon

Color - 103 Min. - Rated R for pervasive strong brutal violence, language and some drug use

Despite all the negative press, Punisher: War Zone was a film I knew I wanted to see eventually. I've never followed the comics obsessively or anything, but I would consider myself to be at least a mildly addicted fan of the character (I collected many of the books before the big mid-90's decline, and picked up the series here and there after the comeback), so naturally I'm interested in any film versions that have cropped up over the years. 1989's The Punisher, starring Dolph Lundgren as Frank Castle, was a pretty decent 80's action movie. There were a number of changes made from the original comic book version that I was able to deal with, but I thought they should have at least included the skull t-shirt at some point (I've never understood the aversion to the skull - it's the Punisher's goddamn trademark outfit. Leaving it out is like leaving the big 'S' off of Superman's attire.). 2004's remake of the same film, featuring Thomas Jane as Castle, was an even worse deviation from the comics than the '89 film. I thought it worked quite well as a Death Wish styled revenger flick actually, but they may as well have changed the name of the film and all the character names to something else, because there was precious little soul or style from the Punisher books to be found (aside from Frank interacting with his neighbors, maybe). Frank Castle is no detective, nor is he a weepy alcoholic, nor should he have a haircut like a model from The Gap, and most importantly - quit fucking up the Punisher's origin story! Much like Bruce Wayne, Frank Castle is the victim of a completely random crime that could have happened to anybody out there. Castle's family should not have been killed off because of him putting the squeeze on mob bosses, because that almost implies that it's entirely his fault for not placing his wife and kids into protective custody.

Ahem. Fortunately, for the geeky, basement dwelling comic book dweeb in me, Punisher: War Zone nails the character completely. The origin is spot on (and mercifully shown in very brief flashback snippets - I think the world has origin story fatigue right now), the character has the correct outfit, Ray Stevenson looks and sounds and mercilessly kills like the Punisher, and most, if not all of the supporting cast of characters have also been lifted directly from either the Marvel Knights or the MAX series of Punisher comics. In other words, this is probably as close as you're going to get to a straight adaption of the comic series. Hardcore fans should be delighted with War Zone.

However, a faithful adaption doesn't necessarily make for a good movie, right? So what's the deal? Were the critics wrong about War Zone, or is it really as poor as they claim?

Yes and no. Obviously it's not one of the great movies, but War Zone is nowhere near as terrible as the media made it out to be (I feel like I'm saying that quite often here - I wish the masses and I were in total agreement once in awhile). That said, I can see why they turned away in disgust from this film (and it has nothing to do with the copious amounts of blood on display, either). My feeling is that the press were probably all spoiled by how spectactular The Dark Knight was (and Iron Man, to a lesser degree), and now have unrealistic expectations that every comic book based film should reach those dizzy heights. Punisher: War Zone is almost the anthesis of The Dark Knight in every way. Whereas Dark Knight is a bleak, intelligent, and dare I say - pretentious movie that takes place in a very realistic looking world (Chicago and Hong Kong), War Zone is a loud, gory, pulpy crime thriller laced with dark humor and over-the-top action poses that takes place in a seedy, neon-bathed city that in no way resembles the world as we know it. It's one of the most gloriously 'comic booky' movies I've ever seen, and that isn't to say it will only appeal to 13 year old boys looking for cheap thrills. If you have a quirky taste in film and you go into War Zone with the right mindset, you'll enjoy yourself immensely.

The plot is simple and straightforward, only taking brief respites before continuing to hurtle forwards to an explosive conclusion. Frank Castle (Ray Stevenson) is the Punisher, a vigilante who 'punishes' criminals by blowing their goddamn brains out without compassion or compunction. Although wanted by the law for murder after murder, Castle does have certain members of the police on his side, such as Detective Martin Soap (Dash Mihok), who informs Castle of the whereabouts of mob boss Billy Russoti (Dominic West). Castle raids Russoti's hideout, taking out half of his crew and seriously injuring Russoti in the process. Unfortunately for Castle, he also accidentally shoots and kills an undercover FBI agent who was gathering evidence against Russoti. Torn up by the guilt of killing 'one of the good guys', Castle considers leaving his gig as the Punisher and skipping town, but his armorer Micro (Wayne Knight) gives Castle the bad news: Russoti survived the assault. Badly scarred and mutilated, Russoti now refers to himself as 'Jigsaw'. Micro is convinced that Jigsaw will eventually go after the murdered FBI agent's family for revenge unless Castle does something about it. One last job then... Castle and his motley crew of allies versus Jigsaw and an army of gangbangers and hoodlums.

War Zone has a pretty good cast. Stevenson is without question the best of the three silver screen Punishers we've had. As I said before, he not only looks the part, but he has the nuances down too. When he's in the field he's a cold, sadistic killer who punches crook's faces in and snaps necks without a moment's hesitation, but Stevenson still shows a hidden humanity underneath during the breaks in the action - such as his interactions with a little girl who discovers a trove of toys belonging to Castle's late daughter, or his visit to the Catholic church he once ministered at a lifetime ago. On the other side of the street, Dom West is absolutely hamming it up as Jigsaw, in a performance that vaguely channels Jack Nicholson as the Joker. Jigsaw is a cruel, cruel bastard, but he's also quite funny, throwing in plenty of grim one-liners and ample amounts of gallows humor. Elsewhere, Colin Salmon turns in a respectable performance as FBI agent Paul Budiansky, although I had a hard time buying Salmon's New York accent - his smooth Bethnal Green tones kept slipping through at the most inopportune moments.

This is a film overflowing with gallons and gallons of fake blood and gibs, although it must be said, the violence is not in the gross-out, torture porn style. The kills are somewhat reminiscent of a Friday the 13th slasher movie - in other words, they're often over the top and goofy, and the cringe-inducing one-liners that follow some of the death scenes will appeal to those inclined towards black comedy ("Oh God, now I have brains splattered all over me!" Soap exclaims after Frank offs an armed mugger at the film's conclusion). The sheer amount of gunfighting, bad CGI explosions, and Steven Seagal-esque kung-fu carnage only adds to the actionsploitation nature of the movie, or should I say... comicsploitation?

Yes, War Zone has flaws aplenty - it's too short, there's virtually no character development, Michael Wandmacher's powerful and dynamic original score is marred by the jarring inclusion of nu-metal bands like Seether and Hatebreed, and the camera work and editing can get a bit too flashy for its own good at times - but these are flaws easily overlooked if you're in the mood for a schlocky live-action cartoon with nonstop high-octane action. For Punisher fans and for action addicts, Punisher: War Zone is a treat.

SCORE: 3.5 / 5

FILM - In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Germany/Canada/USA - 2007

Directed by - Uwe Boll

Starring - Jason Statham, Leelee Sobieski, John Rhys-Davies, Ron Perlman

Color - 127 Min. - Rated PG-13 for intense battle sequences

Let's get something straight - Uwe Boll's movies are not nearly as bad as the morlocks hiding in Web forums would have you believe. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying films like Postal or BloodRayne or Alone in the Dark are particularly good movies, but they certainly aren't the Z-movie trash some detractors would have you believe (many of whom I suspect haven't actually watched anything more than the trailer for the movie they're bashing). Yes, the great majority of any Boll movie is plagued with Edward D. Wood levels of filmmaking faux pas - weird editing, continuity problems, hammy acting, insipid dialogue, the list goes on. In some cases, the absurd and over-the-top climactic battle in House of the Dead for instance, I begin to question whether Boll is actually filming his projects in such a schlocky, goofy, utterly ludicrous manner intentionally, as if he's the only one in on the joke, but that's another discussion entirely. My point here is, while Boll's movies might be awful (shockingly so at times), they are certainly not 'WORST MOVIE EVARRR!' material (You want a genuine 'worst movie ever' candidate? I direct you to Brad Jones' video review of Black Devil Doll From Hell).

Of course, if that opening statement has you prepared for an against the grain postitive review of In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, prepare to be disappointed (obviously you've not been paying much attention to what a contrary bastard I am). The film is far from great - at best, it's an inept Lord of the Rings knock-off, marginally better than a Sci-Fi Channel movie of the week (or ScyFy, or however the hell they're inappropriately spelling out that damn channel nowadays). The plot is paper-thin (and even then it's riddled with holes), the casting decisions are kooky, a mixture of A-listers, B-listers, and television actors that don't always mesh that well together, and the attempt at a swelling, majestic score during the battle scenes backfires miserably (not even the presence of my favorite German power metal band during the closing credits could elevate this movie to a higher level for me).

In the Name of the King's main character is a simple turnip farmer named... Farmer (Jason Statham). I'm not sure what's more alarming - Statham's ridiculous character name, or that his boy of about eight or nine years has just now cottoned on to the fact that his father has a stupid name and decides to question his mother about it (her response is a completely underwhelming spew of exposition that will only confuse you). At any rate, Farmer is tending to his fields one day when the Krug show up and begin raiding the local village. The Krug will be your Orc rip-offs throughout the movie, although their mud-spattered padded armor looks more like something from the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers television series than the cool black armor donned by the armies of Saruman the White in Peter Jackson's epic. The Krug are commanded by the evil spell-slinger Gallian (a comically miscast Ray Liotta, who may well have out-hammed Jeremy Irons in Dungeons & Dragons with this performance), whose aspirations include bedding the daughter of the King's court wizard and wiping out all life on earth. A man of simple tastes, then. During the course of the Krug raid, Farmer is aided by village buddies Bastian and Norick (Will Sanderson and Ron Perlman, respectively), but unfortunately Farmer's son is killed by one of Gallian's Ringwraith-type creatures and his wife is taken as a prisoner along with some of the other villagers. Needless to say, Farmer is beyond pissed at this turn of events (if Statham's perma-scowl that he has in every movie he's in is anything to go by).

It's not long before King Konreid (I shit you not - Burt Reynolds, in a transcendant performance that tows the line between godawful and sublime) and his soldiers come to the village to enlist any able-bodied men to help fight Gallian and the Krug, rescue the good citizens held prisoner, and rid the land of evil - blah, blah blah. Merick (John Rhys-Davies), the king's magus, recognizes that there's something special about Farmer, but Farmer will have none of it and ventures off on his own private revenge mission (and let me just say, if you can't figure out INSTANTLY that the 'big surprise' plot twist is that Farmer is actually a long-lost heir to the throne, you obviously did not receive a passing grade in Epic Fantasy Cliches 101). Later, a wrench is thrown in King Konreid's plans to fight the Krug when his slovenly nephew, Duke Fallow (Matthew Lillard), betrays him by making an underhanded deal with Gallian that leaves Konreid poisoned and on the brink of death.

Much has been said about Matthew Lillard's performance in this movie. The modish opinion seems to be that his turn as Duke Fallow is the absolute worst part of In the Name of the King; that his mad gurning and grinning throughout each of his scenes was so terrible that it actually caused folks to walk out of the theater in disgust. I happen to disagree with the majority here (surprise, surprise...) - I think Lillard is the best thing this movie has going for it, and I mean that with all sincerity. Oh sure, he's yakking it up during his screen time, channelling his inner Dungeon Master and chewing the scenery on a level that puts him in the same league as Shatner, Palance, or Walken... but that's what's so great about the performance. He actually looks and sounds like he's having the time of his life with the character (whilst all of the other big-name actors are obviously there for the big payday coupled with a short shooting schedule that makes doing an Uwe Boll movie enticing - they look bored, jaded, uninterested - and with a script this lousy, I can't say I really blame them, but still...). I can honestly say I wish there were a few more Lillard scenes in this movie.

That's probably the nicest thing I can say about In the Name of the King. It has a few other positives in the eye candy department: the CG effects are nice, the abundance of fog machines certainly adds to the atmosphere, the photography in British Columbia is very pretty to look at, and the set decoration is more than suitable for a fantasy story... other than that, the film is a dud. There's at least three or four excruciatingly long, drawn-out battle scenes between humans and Krugs that will test the patience of even the most hardcore of action junkies. The featured players are such superheroes that you never once feel as if they're in jeopardy as they mindlessly tear through enemy after enemy (although perhaps that's the point - given that this is supposed to be based on a video game, however loosely), and the actual swordplay is just... inane. To his credit, it looks as if Boll tried to spice things up by employing veteran action choreographer Siu-Tung Ching as a second unit director, and there are little moments where the over-the-top Hong Kong style works really well (Jason Statham somersaulting into the air and literally walking on the heads of Krug opponents to get to the big bad controlling the evil army is one example), but for the most part the chopsocky action seems very out of place in this apparent medieval fantasy world (although I have to admit, I was doubled with laughter when King Konreid unleashed a batallion of NINJAS to face the Krug... perhaps the ultimate 'What the fuck?' moment in this film).

If you've seen every highly regarded fantasy film and you're in desperate need of a new one to watch... I would suggest you just wait until The Hobbit is released (or, ya know, pick up a fantasy book instead). I can't really recommend In the Name of the King to anyone except Boll fans (yes, they are out there, although I'm certain they've seen this multiple times and probably own the Blu-ray director's cut by now) or big fans of a particular actor in the cast morbidly curious to see their favorite star slumming it in a lowbrow pastiche.

SCORE: 1.5 / 5

FILM - Red Sun (1971)

Red Sun

France/Italy/Spain - 1971

Directed by - Terence Young

Starring - Charles Bronson, Ursula Andress, Toshirô Mifune, Alain Delon

Color - 112 Min. - Rated PG

Ever wondered what would happen if you paired up a gunslinger from The Magnificent Seven with one of the sword-wielding warriors from Seven Samurai? The result is Red Sun (aka Soleil rouge), a spaghetti western cum martial arts flick notable for its multinational ensemble including American action star Charles Bronson, Japan's Toshirô Mifune, Frenchman Alain Delon, and Swiss beauty Ursula Andress. Filmed in Spain with a mixed French and Italian crew, the project was helmed by British director Terence Young, who had achieved dizzy heights after being behind the camera on the first two Bond films, Dr. No and From Russia With Love (and the fourth Bond, Thunderball, a few years later). Given its star-studded roster, there was obviously some high expectations for Red Sun to perform well, and while it did bank a considerable amount around the globe, it failed to become a hit in the American box office, fading into semi-obscurity as the years went by.

Red Sun is essentially a buddy team-up story, bringing together the charismatic yet rugged outlaw Link (Bronson) with Kuroda (Mifune), a stoic samurai in the service of the first Japanese ambassador to the United States. The duo are tasked with retrieving a gift from the Emperor of Japan to the U.S. President, an exotic, ceremonial sword stolen by cold-hearted dandy (and Link's former partner) Gauche (Delon). Link and Kuroda eventually find their way to Gauche through his lover Cristina (Andress), a conniving, opportunistic hellcat only out for herself. By the film's climax the four will have to briefly get along with one another in order to survive an onslaught from a tribe of war-like Comanches. After that... all bets are off as to who will kill who first.

Really, it's not hard to see why Red Sun didn't become one of the all-time great western films. It's a very enjoyable watch, especially for those who already consider themselves fans of the genre, but sadly it's a movie filled with frustrating missed opportunities. While he was able to direct a more than competent western, Terence Young really has nothing to add to the genre, resulting in many by-the-numbers action sequences and long stretches of the two leads traveling across the desert with no dialogue or plot developments in sight (although Henri Alekan's photography of the Spanish landscapes is quite beautiful to behold, it doesn't do anything to help the pace of the film). The script is also a problem - while it initially provides the viewer with an interesting set-up, the story craps out by the third act, pitting the heroes against a band of 'savage' Native Americans who are about as poorly stereotyped as they were on something like F-Troop (speaking gibberish rather than anything even closely resembling a native tongue). Another disappointment is the score, so often an essential element in those westerns regarded as classics. Academy Award winner Maurice Jarre (Lawrence of Arabia, A Passage to India) provides an uneven, sometimes wildly inappropriate musical backdrop, with a main theme that desperately wants to be Elmer Bernstein's famous cue from The Magnificent Seven.

If you're wondering why this east-meets-west in the Old West premise sounds vaguely familiar, it could be that you're thinking of Shanghai Noon, 2000's Jackie Chan/Owen Wilson vehicle that should more or less be considered a loose remake or even a spoof of Red Sun, albeit with a Chinese character instead of a Japanese one. Although not a total comedy as Shanghai Noon was, Red Sun still provides a few laughs, drawing some unlikely humor out of both leads as they inevitably resist their pairing together for the first half of the film by fighting and bickering before finally discovering that the Japanese samurai and the Old West desperadoes have more in common than they initially thought. The brief comedic turns might be of particular interest to Charles Bronson fans used to his sullen, revenge-seeking characters in films like Death Wish or Once Upon a Time in the West - old Stoneface is actually pretty damn funny in Red Sun. It's unfortunate Bronson only had a scant few opportunities to express this rarely seen side of his personality throughout his career.

The other male principals are great - Mifune is a class act as always, even when he's hamming it up in an Arizona whorehouse or throwing out one-liners, he seems totally believable as a deadly warrior who would rather commit hara kiri if he fails to retrieve the prized sword rather than lose the favor of his master and become a rōnin. Likewise, the "French James Dean" Alain Delon is a highlight as the elegant brute Gauche, who is more than willing to draw his pistol and shoot several of his outlaw cohorts in the back rather than share any spoils with them. Less compelling is Ursula Andress as Cristina, although this is more a fault of the script than the actress herself. Cristina's motivations are never clearly identified, and it's difficult to determine what her character and Gauche see in each other, especially considering how selfish they both are.

Ultimately, Red Sun will appeal to those who get a kick out of the eastern philosophy versus western crudeness culture clashes seen in David Carradine's Kung-Fu series, in addition to action fans turned on by the unlikely combination of samurai swords and gunplay in the same bloody arena. Worth watching, even if it isn't the masterpiece it could well have been.

SCORE: 3 / 5

FILM - King Kong Escapes (1967)

King Kong Escapes

Japan - 1967

Directed by - Ishirō Honda

Starring - Rhodes Reason, Akira Takarada, Linda Miller, Mie Hama

Color - 104 Min. - Rated G

Five years after the success of King Kong vs. Godzilla, Toho teamed up with Rankin/Bass to produce a second kaiju Kong movie, King Kong Escapes. This film was based on The King Kong Show, a 1966 Rankin/Bass animated series that featured the gigantic ape as a hero battling against the minions of the evil Dr. Who (no relation to the Time Lord). It's not often you see a cartoon show turn into a live-action movie, and when it does actually happen... well, have you seen Brendan Fraser in Dudley Do-Right? Fortunately, King Kong Escapes works just as well, if not better, than its animated counterpart. It's a fun mixture of typical kaiju giant monster action, 60's science-fiction comic books, and spymania films (Mie Hama, who plays Kissy Suzuki in You Only Live Twice, has a part as the femme fatale Madame X).

The story of King Kong Escapes centers on the fiendish mad scientist Dr. Who and his attempts to obtain a rare, but highly radioactive element in the Antarctic (creatively titled 'Element X') for his employers from an unnamed Asian country. Normal methods of digging or drilling are out of the question, so Who and his lackeys build a robotic version of the famed, mythological beast known as King Kong and dub him... Mechani-Kong! Dr. Who sends Mechani-Kong to dig for the element, but unforeseen magnetic waves short circuit the mechanical monster, forcing the not-so-good Doctor to rearrange his plans. After the crew of a U.N. submarine discover the real Kong on Mondo Island and the story hits newspapers across the globe, Who decides the only sensible thing to do is to capture the real Kong and hypnotize him into digging up Element X. Unfortunately, it's not long before Kong shakes off the effects of the spell, and all hell promptly breaks loose. There's only one thing for it - Dr. Who must reactivate Mechani-Kong and take down the real McCoy... or die trying.

Okay, so the plot is utterly ludicrous, but what do you expect? It's a giant monster movie based on a cartoon for kids!

Being a Toho production, King Kong Escapes was blessed by the presence of many of the behind the scenes players from previous kaiju films, including Ishirō Honda, who directed the original 1954 version of Godzilla and at least a dozen more giant monster movies throughout the 60's and 70's, so you're pretty much getting the Spielberg of kaiju with this film. Joining Honda was legendary composer Akira Ifukube, who provided another spectacular score, and Eiji Tsuburaya, the special effects director responsible for all the swish sci-fi elements seen on-screen. Some of the effects are almost laughably bad by today's standards (the very noticeable blue screen when Kong's giant hand grabs Linda Miller is the first thing that springs to mind), although that said, at least there's no flat, hundred million dollar CG effects that completely take you out of the movie (yes, I'm talking to you, Peter Jackson). Also on set was Haruo Nakajima, considered by a great many fans to be the best giant monster actor there ever was. Haruo's deliberate movements and his surprising agility during the fight scenes really help sell the audience on the idea that King Kong is a 140 foot tall beast rampaging through Tokyo and not just a regular guy in a cheap suit stomping around a model set.

Speaking of the suit, Kong's appearance in King Kong Escapes has divided fans for many years now. Some believe he looks much better than he did in the previous Toho outing, King Kong vs. Godzilla, while others claim the Kong suit in Escapes almost ruined the movie for them. Personally, I'm in the middle - I don't think it's terrible, nor do I think that highly of it. You can see the folds and spot the zipper if you're staring at the screen just looking for it, but for the most part the director and editor did a fine job hiding any major goofs. The mask is a tad strange at first, what with Kong's bulging eyes and his mouth constantly hanging open as if he were high on paint thinner, but I quickly got used to it. On the other hand, I can't find much wrong with the design on Mechani-Kong at all. He's a very hip looking robot, and I'm disappointed he has yet to reappear in another Toho kaiju flick.

There are a few problems though, chief among them - the acting. For every Eisei Amamoto, who chews the scenery like Liberace's evil cousin as Dr. Who, there's a Rhodes Reason, who is supposed to be the heroic male lead, but comes across as wooden and jaded in his performance (he also gets owned by the meek Dr. Who after just a single karate chop - pathetic). And for every Mie Hama, who provides the eye candy of the movie (and, considering her character's eventual betrayal of the villain, is probably the real hero), there's a Linda Miller, who... well, if anything is going to turn you off in King Kong Escapes, it will probably be her. I can accept the fact that she's completely bland looking (especially in comparison to the original scream queen Fay Wray), but for some inexplicable reason the filmmakers decided to dub Miller's own voice with Julie Bennett, a woman who provided voices for cartoon characters. The voice for Miller's character is, without a shadow of a doubt, the most annoying thing - EVER! Why the great ape would ever be smitten with such a shrill sounding wench is beyond me. I was reaching for the mute button every time her character screamed - "Kooooooooooong!!!!". Ugh. So very irritating. It is mostly for this reason that I suggest you seek out a copy of the Japanese version (Kingu Kongu no gyakushû) with English subs instead of springing for the US version. Not only are omitted scenes restored to help make the plot just a tiny bit more sensible, but the Japanese voices are infinitely more tolerable.

Regardless of which version you watch though, if you can accept a few lackluster performances (and a fair amount of hokey dialogue), King Kong Escapes is a pleasant hour and a half diversion for both kids and adults. Sadly, this would be the last hurrah for Toho's Kong, as the studio would run into difficulties securing the rights to the character when trying to make a third Kong-related film (which eventually morphed into 1991's Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah).

SCORE: 3 / 5

Bottom Fives: The Worst Buddy Cop Films of All Time

Sidney Poitier and Rod Steiger. Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy. You won't find any of them here.

05. Deadly Impact (1984)

As much as I enjoy b-movie trash, especially Italian made b-movie trash, Deadly Impact is a real chore to sit through until the end. Bo Svenson and Fred Williamson, who were in The Inglorious Bastards together, should have at least a little chemistry between them, but both actors look bored to tears in this film. Even the action scenes, which are all very badly shot and edited, have a languid, sleepy quality about them. If you can't even film a decent fistfight, I think it's time to pack up and go home.

The other major problem with Deadly Impact: its plot hinges on our buddy pairing taking down an evil computer hacker who programs slot machines in Vegas to pay out at certain times. NEWSFLASH: Slot machines REALLY ARE pre-programmed to pay out small portions of their take at random times, you fucking goons.

04. Double Team (1997)

Technically this isn't a cop movie - an obviously strung out on coke Jean Claude Van Damme plays a counter-terrorist agent and his wacky, offbeat buddy is a weapons dealer played by... *sigh* Dennis Rodman, but the format is more or less exactly the same as a cops-and-robbers flick. Besides, Double Team's tagline is "They don't play by the rules!", so if the heroes can be stinky cheaters, I can too.

And, well... do I really need to say anything further about Double Team? I mean, there's no intelligent way for me to describe to you the horrors of watching Dennis Rodman pathetically attempt to be an action star. Listening to his ghastly one-liners alone is enough to make you want to stick your head in an oven.

03. Cop and a Half (1993)

Ah yes... let's turn the straight-laced white cop meets smartass street-smart black cop formula on its head by making the black cop A KID!!! Genius!!!

I often wonder how the kid from Cop and a Half, Norman D. Golden II, is doing from time to time. Okay, I'm lying, I never really think about it, but I should. He would be about my age by now. Like a great many child stars, Norman had a few more appearances in front of the camera before promptly dropping off the face of the planet as soon as his voice became deeper and his cute kiddy looks started to fade. Poor bastard is probably sitting on a curb somewhere as I type this, at the wrong end of a cheap bottle of bottom-shelf wine.

02. National Security (2003)

We shouldn't be too hard on Martin Lawrence. After all, he's been in so many blockbuster movies like What's the Worst That Could Happen?, Black Knight, Big Momma's House... wait, how does this idiot have a career?

Believe it or not, National Security may well be Martin's nadir. I know he was paid for his work and all, but the fact that he willingly recited his lines in front of the camera without once turning to the director and saying: "Seriously?" tells me he must have thought this drek was actually amusing. The attempted humor is anything but amusing though; it's nasty, insidious, and does everything it can to degenerate all the progress made in the United States during the Civil Rights Movement. In a nutshell, wedged in between pointless chase scenes and primative cop movie cliches, National Security's message is thus: all black people openly hate whites, all whites secretly hate blacks, and that any interracial relationship is inherently wrong and the people involved in said relationship are stupid, ignorant berks who have failed to realize what an evil, evil taboo it is to be with someone of a different skin color.

01. Theodore Rex (1995)

Just look at that poster.

Then tell me what is more ridiculous. The dinosaur cop dressed in regular street clothes, or Whoppi Goldberg being cast as "the toughest cop in the world"?

If you haven't flushed the 90 minutes it takes to watch this film down the toilet before, you may think I'm being unfairly harsh on what seems like an innocent comedy aimed at a younger audience, so just to be fair I'll say this: Theodore Rex is not actually the worst film you'll ever see (believe it or not). But as far as buddy cops go, watching Whoppi and a fake dinosaur is almost as bad as gazing directly into a black hole: if you're lucky you'll just run away screaming, if you're not you'll go batshit crazy and kill yourself. Here's the kicker: the dinosaur actually OUT-ACTS Whoppi Goldberg.